In Honor Of...

Just another two weeks in paradise.  We are just loving life and enjoying the warmth that late Spring has brought to us.  

Here is a peek at our weeks.  

There is also some heart stuff that took me forever to have the courage to write about at the end.  I had intended to write it sooner but have struggled to get through it.  So, I decided to add it to this post...  

It has taken me a while to write this post and I have had it open on my computer for over a three weeks!  I enjoy posting, though, and am anxious to get back to it.    

It has been a busy two weeks full of fun in the sun, hay-baling, crafting, spiders, gardening, animals, manicures, bike riding, school, another trip and much more!  

Baling HAY! 

We made 10 bales off of the field on one side of the driveway and are making another 18 or so off of our lower field...  

I FINALLY finished Lily's bathroom (the guest bathroom)...  

I made these from two old $1 frames from the DollarTree and some vinyl with my Cricut.  

Same with this one...  

Eric and I made the 'FLUSH' sign the same way we made the shelves.  Raw wood, brushed lightly with gray paint and he mounted the letters with wood blocks and glue.  

Gramps helped Nico build a spider terrarium because Nico is DYING to have a pet and wants a spider.  He even drew out his plans and made a materials list for the construction.  He needs to do a little research on their care though because after 4 days, his wolf-spider, Peter Parker, died.  The poor guy.  Anyway, this terrarium lives outside because, yeah, not having it in my house...  

Our garden is in full swing and in the next post, I will show our plants and how fast they are growing!!  It is incredible.  We are having to water, though, because it is unseasonably dry and we haven't had real rain for about three weeks!  

We have extra sand and soil from our pool project so the kids have decided to make it a playground...  

Missy in the manure pile...  

Here are our patio citrus trees...  They are doing fantastic!  

The kids have loved riding their bikes since it's been warmer and Nolan is a pro.  You'll see him in the olympics.  Well, Gramps couldn't be left out...  So, as I was on the front porch watering, who do I see riding down the driveway on Lily's bike but Gramps....??!!  I swear, he is like having another kid at times.

Here are some random animal pictures...  

Missy sleeps behind my rocking chair on the front porch... 

A rare Miss Kitty sighting...  

I was sitting on the front porch the other day and the above pictures are of my companions.  Carl and Cooper... 

Otis was sleeping in the kids' sandbox and loving it...  

Goldie & chicks are thriving and growing like crazy...  

I shaved Otis because his coat was super full and matted...  

Callie found a cool place to nap in my flower bed...  

School has been fun again although I don't have a ton to post about it.  We are plugging along and continuing throughout summer on modified schedule.  

Nico took an elephant painting class...  

  

We have done school outside frequently as the weather warms up...  

Interior shop construction is well underway.  Eric now has sheetrock up on one whole wall and half of the other wall.  He only has two more pieces and then he starts the interior wood siding for the remainder of the walls.  I can't wait for it to be done and organized!!  I am sure he feels the same, lol. 

We finally cut the pool up into pieces and sent it to INTEX.  It was so hard to trust that we'd have the coverage but they say we do.  However, to add insult to injury, our pool is now BACKORDERED.  With no shipping date in sight.  

Three weeks of dinner menus...  

It is blank because I am home alone this week...  :-). 

Eric and I finally finished the chicken coop and made the feeders I have wanted to make for YEARS...  I am so happy and I think they're working great.  Keep in mind that I was responsible for the metal strip holding them onto the board so that's why it is crooked.  Lol.  

So, Young Living makes an animal line that I am hooked on.  Especially the ointment.  It's good for all things and we use it on Maybelle's teats to keep them from chapping sand getting infected.  I just thought I'd share...  The stuff is amazing...  I am starting up an animal cabinet and this is the starting of the supplies...  

I was washing clothes for the twins the other day and went to throw Nolan's shorts into the washer when I felt his pockets.  I looked inside and the little darling had SIX pieces of sidewalk chalk inside!!  It was too cute and such a toddler thing to do.  

I surprised Lily and did a manicure and pedicure on her before her Iowa trip.  I had given the boys haircuts so I thought I would include her in some way...  She picked her color and decals and was thrilled. I also did my toes.

When I was in Colorado, we were so busy with kids and having so much fun at the house that we never went souvenir shopping.  So, Jess sent me the cutest hat ever and some things for the kids.  I loved her card so much that I took a picture and I am also putting a selfie on here even though normally I hate them.  But, my HAT!!!  

Love her so much!  

On Saturday, Eric and the kids all headed to Iowa to visit my in-laws and watch our nephew, David graduate.  My husband is incredible and didn't think twice about taking all of the kids.  Plus, they are with family so it is all good, they HAVE to love us no matter how wild and crazy our kids are.  Lol.  They'll be back later this week but for now, I am home holding down the fort.  If you are an intruder reading this, don't bother, my dogs will eat you.  

This was at 5am...  

I am not going to lie, when they drove away I cried for a minute.  But, I realized it was probably exhaustion so I went back to bed and woke up two hours later ready to embrace the quiet.  It has been awesome but I definitely miss them.  So far, I am killing the solo farm life, lol.  I can barely milk Maybelle for more than five minutes without it killing my hands, I spilled the whole first pail of milk and I locked the dogs outside yesterday by mistake and Missy tried to get in the cat door.  Callie was hotter than hell, panting and went down to the creek to cool off.  So, other than that, everything is great!  

One of our chickens lays some monster eggs.  The darker one is HUGE and the lighter one is a normal egg...  

The second milking wasn't as great as the first...  

They miss Eric...  

Missy didn't appreciate being locked out so she tried to come in through the cat door... 

Carl has been climbing under my comforter every day and sleeping for hours like this...  

I have another song recommendation...  I am addicted to this song.  It is not new but I am always behind with that stuff.  Anyway, I enjoy both versions of this song and can listen to it ALL DAY LONG!  I especially like the one with Eric Church-- he is on our list of favorite singers right now...  

I also LOVE these two songs by Eric Church.  They are favorites that I could listen to all day long. 

I actually really enjoy the whole album; 'Heart', so if you're looking for some new tunes...  It's good.  

In honor of....  

So, Wednesday, April 28th was the four-year anniversary of my Brother Zack's death.  He was 29 when he passed away and he left behind an almost 1 year old son.  

This is not an easy part of the post to write but it has been on my mind and weighing heavy on my heart for some time.  I have started to write about his death several times and never finished for a million different reasons.  This post has actually been started for weeks and I haven't been able to bring myself to finish it...  

I am not sure I have fully accepted the fact that he is gone yet.  It is still hard to look at photos of him and hurts to think of what my parents and siblings must feel and how none of our lives will ever be the same.  

If you don't want to hear (read) the 'story' of my brothers death, avert your eyes now.  I am going to share my heartbreak and some details of his death.  My hope is to begin the healing process and to accept what has happened and be able to think of him without crying or attempting to completely avoid the reality of the situation.  

I'll start with a little back story, not much, but just an idea of how things were prior to his passing.  

I was not exactly on speaking terms with my brother when he passed away.  I mean, if I had seen him on the street or he called me or showed up at my house, I would have absolutely spoken to him, hugged him, offered him food, drinks, and been happy to see and talk to him again.  But, Zack was in a toxic relationship and had begun using drugs.  As Eric and I grew our family, that was not an example we wanted to set for our kids and we did not want them exposed to anything that came close to their past.  Seeing him was bittersweet because, while I loved to be with him, hear his wild stories and laugh at his hilarious jokes, it was also painful because he was just a glimmer of my little brother and it hurt to see the obvious pain he was in and the ugly, toxic road he was going down.  

Zack was in jail until the day he died.  He had been in for three or four months for theft (I believe).  He was released from jail early in the day.  If I remember correctly, my mom and sister picked him up from jail and brought him to my dad who took him to run errands.  Zack kept talking about wanting to go see his son, Stephen the next day.  My dad took him to see a friend and get some necessities and took him home to Swansboro (where my dad & uncle lived).  

Eric and I were at the yearly fundraiser for the kids' school that night and my sister (Kelsey) and brother-in-law (Martin) were babysitting the kids for us.  As soon as we drove in the driveway after the fundraiser, around 11pm, we could tell something was wrong.  Our front door was open, lights were on in Kelsey's  car and her car door was open.  I didn't have a cell-phone signal at the fundraiser or I am sure I would have gotten a call to leave.  When we got out of the car, Kelsey came out of our house and she was crying.  I panicked, but wasn't worried about the kids at all.  I had a feeling it was because of Zack but I never would have guessed that he had died.  When she told me, I was in TOTAL shock.  A million things rushed through my mind.  The main thing I kept thinking was "I never got to see him again and say goodbye".  It hurt so bad to think that was the end for him and the end of our time here together.  I also kept thinking "Why???  Why did this happen???"  The last time we had spoken was over text and it was not the best conversation.  Kelsey and Zack were very close and she was in a lot of pain.  My dad had called her during the fundraiser and told her because he had been the one to find Zack's body.  

Anyway, after Kelsey and Martin left, I called my other brother and my other sister and told them what had happened then went to Kelsey's house to see my dad.  He had come to town to stay with Kelsey and get away from his house where Zack had died.    

Seeing my dad was awful because he was a wreck, both emotionally and physically.  He had tried for an hour to do CPR on Zack until the ambulance arrived and he had 'evidence' of his efforts all over his hair and shirt.  It was horrid to hear his recount of the events.  The paramedics tried for an additional hour to save Zack and gave him Narcan with no success.  He was gone when my dad found him, unfortunately.  

As it turns out, when my dad took Zack to run errands and see friends, he actually picked up some of the drugs that killed him later that evening.  My dad had no clue.  Once they arrived at my dads house, Zack told him he wanted to go for a walk, then shower to go see his son, Stephen the following day.  My dad was outside looking for Zack when he hadn't come out from the bathroom after a significant amount of time.  He looked up through the window and saw that the bathroom light was still on so he went and knocked.  When Zack didn't answer, he broke into the bathroom and found him.  

Zack had overdosed on heroin, methamphetamines and codeine.  It was such a hideous reality.  It still breaks my heart to think that he could not get past whatever demons he had inside and needed to escape in that way.  When I think that his decision was the last one he ever made and how it changed all of our lives so abruptly and dramatically is still so damn painful.  My struggle now is getting past how that one decision ended it all for him and how short and fragile life can be.  I still cannot believe my little brother is gone.  

After Zack passed, I would sit and watch Nico play in the yard and think to myself "about 25 years ago, this is what my mom used to do with Zack and now he is gone..." and I would just say prayer after prayer that I never have to experience the pain of losing one of my children.  

I still hear certain songs and they bring tears to my eyes or I think if fun times we had.  'Ice, Ice Baby' is one that I have to turn up and sing to when it comes on...  There are a few others as well-- but on my drive home from Colorado, Eric sent me one that I struggled to even get through, but really loved.  This one by Chris Young is amazing:  

In honor of Zack, I am posting a few photos here of our first wedding and a visit I took to Idaho to see my family shortly after they moved up there.  

Zack was the life of the party, hilarious, loving, intense, kind hearted, an animal lover, smart, wild, a nature lover, always ready for fun, he was my little brother and he was so much more.  I know Zack had his faults and wasn't a perfect human being and had a lot of struggles, but I loved him anyway, I still do.  Some people may not agree, but I feel fortunate that he did not suffer from a life-long struggle with addiction.  His struggle was brief.  Again, IF I am looking for any positives, I am going with that.  I know the pain of his loss will never fully disappear and I accept that.  I feel that Zack could have done good things in life, had he been here to experience more of it.  We have a church at the end of our road and their sign out front has this written on it: "love is stronger than death".  It hit me kind of hard the first time I saw it about a week ago because I have had this post started on my computer for about three weeks and couldn't get Zack off of my mind...  I feel that quote is appropriate and applies here.  

Anyway, I just felt it may be time to share and hopefully start to get past my disbelief of the reality of his death.  Maybe this will help another who has had similar experience..?  

Take care and stay in touch!!